This section chronicles the harrowing quest of a brave flaunter 
of dietary orthodoxy, a lone soul on a seemingly hopeless quest to 
transform the very nature of our secret cravings, to lead us all over
the rainbow to the Promised Land, where the sponge cake and cream 
filling never run out, where no cavities, upset stomachs or vitamin
deficiencies intrude upon the inhabitants' blissful contemplation of
sucrose, and where nutritionists are condemned to wail and gnash their
teeth forevermore in the deepest recesses of a tofu factory.
     As we first look in on our solitary hero, his disability payments
(which he was receiving in the wake of a highly experimental
pancreas transplant) are running out, and he knows that 
panhandling just won't support The Cause in the style to which it has 
become accustomed.  So we voyeuristically get to watch our hero in
the Middle of Nowhere as...

 
               TWINKIEMAN GOES JOB HUNTING....

FoolsGold Co, LLC                                Twinkieman
c/o Imajer K. Anoyme                             523 Goofball Dr.
PO Box 2369                                      Yucville, NW 66666
Area 51, NV 00666                                (000)666-0001
                                                 twinkieman@wataloser.com


     Dear Ms. Anoyme,   
     
     I am writing in regards to your advertised job selling Twinkies 
over the Internet.  I believe that my experience and expertise would
be a would be a considerable asset to your marketing campaign. 
     I am extremely familiar with all aspects of the Internet, having
used it to the extent of having no life for the last 14 years.  I 
truly believe that your product sales could skyrocket with a properly
designed ad campaign targeted at Netizens.  For instance, post some
rumors here and there alleging that nutritionists are secretly
plotting with the NSA to brainwash them using psychoactive drugs
genetically engineered into chunks of tofu.  While this might seem to
be a questionable marketing approach, it will appeal to a significant
fraction of Netizens, especially if it is repeated continuously at
many different sites.  (If you can plausibly claim that the
aformentioned plot is secretly masterminded by Bill Gates, its impact
should be at least doubled.) A properly developed domain, utilizing 
as much color, interactivity, and full-motion video, along with secure
online ordering, will further enhance your appeal to hungry surfers
everywhere.
     Best of all, the nature of the medium in question allows enormous 
leverage with little effort and virtually no additional cost!  This
is possible due to Netizens' love of controversy.  All that is 
necessary is to post a few messages in appropriate newsgroups touting
 the virtues of your various products, and disparaging others- for 
instance, extolling the virtues of Twinkies over SnoBalls.  This is 
enhanced greatly if you allege shadowy dealings and sinister motives
 on the part of the other side in the dispute, by posting an essay
 entitled something like: "SnoBall Eaters: Harmless Eccentrics or
 Murderously Brainwashed Cult Fanatics?"  Very quickly a number of
 replies will be posted, followed by replies to the replies, etc.
These are often nasty, but if you can ignore this you will find your
bottom line greatly enhanced, as even the most hostile posters are
likely to keep reposting your original message over and over, which
can add up to a huge amount of free publicity for your product line! 
     Advertising via the Net allows many opportunities to take 
advantage of "hot-button" issues to spread your message yet further. 
For example, a newsgroup posting posing the burning question:
"Why Was Ken Starr's Second Cousin Seen Delivering 350 Boxes of 
SnoBalls to Monica Lewinsky?  Is This the Beginning of the End for
Newt and Co.?"  This can generate enormous publicity and even 
lead to attention by the mainstream media.  For instance, Jerry Springer might decide to do a show featuring distraught spouses, on the
topic, "S/he Used to Love Me... But Now All S/he Wants To Do is Go to
SnoBall Eaters' Orgies."  This could bring you greatly enhanced site
traffic for months!
     Finally, the Internet, used properly, allows you to use a 
hard-hitting, no-nonsense approach in dealing with your competition. 
By repeatedly posting anonymous messages concerning such grave 
matters as: "The Hush-Hush Cookies-For-Oil Tradeoff: Entenmann's Secret
Sweetheart Deals With Saddam" or, "Little Debbie, Supplier of Snack
Cakes to the Cali Cartel and the Unabomber since 1984", you'll
leave no doubt as to whose products occupy the moral high ground. (Or
at least, not enough to matter.)
     I am personally an avid, long-time consumer of your products, 
having been voted "Most Likely to Keel Over and Die" by fellow 
Netizens.  (This resulted from my uncovering a considerable body of 
supressed research indicating that too many vitamins could reduce
one's mouse-clicking speed by as much as 85 percent!  Since this would
result in taking over 5 times as long to download Web pages, I
resolved to immediately reduce my daily intake of nutrients to 0.01%
of the RDAs.  I couldn't have done it without your products!  (By the
way, the whole sordid story, along with reports definitively linking
CSPI and Ralph Nader to a cabal of British Nazis in Peru, can be found at:
http:/www.healthfascistsexposed.com.
     In closing, I believe that my experience and backround would 
enable me to make a positive, ongoing contribution to your company's
future growth.

                                             Very truly yours,



                                             Twinkieman
                                             (contrary to rumor, I           
                                              have NOT been acquired
                                              by Microsoft...)
                           



                           RESUME

                          Twinkieman
                          523 Goofball Dr.
                          Yucville, NW 66666
                          (000)666-0001
                          twinkieman@wataloser.com




       9/95-1/98- served as the moderator for alt.junkfood.

       5/93-6/95- surfed the Net voraciously while recuperating
                  from an experimental pancreas transplant.

       3/87-2/93- admitted to the hospital for treatment of
                  hypoglycemia 178 times.
      
       9/82-6/86- sent to detention 465 times for eating Twinkies
                  in class; finally avoided expulsion only by 
                  betting that I could eat more Twinkies than our
                  480 lb. principal.  Won by default after Principal
                  Swinegut had a fatal heart attack during our contest.

       7/80- first discovered Usenet while knocking around on
             a used Alto with a 300 baud modem. Thought it was the
             coolest thing ever, even though alt.sex-groupbondage had
             yet to be started.

       3/76- rushed to hospital after futile attempt to increase the 
             endorphin rush from Twinkies by coating them with roofing
             cement.  (Hey, if it worked for the Roadrunner...)

       1/73- had first Twinkie while the family was watching the Super 
             Bowl;subsequently had Twinkies no.2-24 much to the angry  
             dismay of  my parents. (Funny, I don't remember ANYthing
             about the game...)